When white people sweat, they smell like wet bologna. Allen Iverson killed Bill Cosby‘s son. Carmelo Anthony routinely gave white kids wedgies in high school. The movie “White Men Can’t Jump” unfairly portrays white men as subpar athletes. Black NBA players orchestrated the Donald Sterling audio leak in order to steal the Clippers from him.
These are just a handful of allegations in a bogus lawsuit filed last month by legendary troll and Pennsylvania inmate Jonathan Lee Riches, the Guinness Book of World Records’ “most litigious man in history,” famous for filing 2,600+ fake lawsuits involving celebrities like Selena Gomez , George W. Bush, Paris Hilton, Martha Stewart, and more.
In the latest suit, mailed from Riches’ prison facility in Bellafonte, PA, Riches pretends to be Donald Sterling (hilariously misspelled in the lawsuit as “Ronald Sterling”) demanding a restraining order against nearly every big-name black player in the NBA … ever … including Chris Paul, LeBron James, Patrick Ewing, Magic Johnson, Charles Barkley, Carmelo Anthony, Kevin Durant, Chris Bosh, Mookie Blaylock, Spud Webb, Shawn Kemp, Allen Iverson, Dennis Rodman, Michael Jordan, and Lamar Odom. All told, the lawsuit lists nearly 100 defendants.
According to the lawsuit, written from Sterling’s perspective, the NBA and its black players are using him as a “political scapegoat,” using racism allegations as a way to steal the L.A. Clippers from him.
The lawsuit states, “Magic Johnson is conspiring with Commissioner Adam Silver to take the L.A. Clippers from Donald Sterling based on false racial allegations. If Mr. Sterling was a racist, the NAACP would not have him being honored with a lifetime achievement award. Obviously, they recognize this is all lies to allow the Black players to steal this team from him.”
And that’s when the lawsuit gets even crazier. Riches says Silver loves to laugh at Magic Johnson’s racist jokes about white people, including Johnson’s hilarious observation that white people smell like wet bologna when they sweat. (For the record, we can say with 99.999999% certainty, that Magic Johnson has never said anything about white people smelling like bologna.)
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The prison prankster also resurrects the infamous 1991 Charles Barkley incident, when the NBA star spat into the crowd during a game and accidentally hit an 8-year-old girl (who happened to be white). Riches says there’s a double standard of racism whereby a white player would have received much harsher penalties if he spat on an 8-year-old black girl.
The entire lawsuit is blatant race-baiting trollery, designed to stir up as much controversy as possible.
This is where Riches shines, and where, since his initial incarceration for fraud in 2006, he’s routinely fooled overeager and under-vetted media outlets into running fatuous stories about celebrities involved in utterly laughable legal situations, like Justin Bieber stealing Selena Gomez’ dad’s Amex for penis enlargement surgery, and George W. Bush acting as a time traveler who “conspired with Duke of Normandy at Battle of Hastings 1066 A.D. to pervert the English Dictionary and Law.”
In an old lawsuit against Allen Iverson, Riches claimed Iverson hired him to be his personal trainer and then offered Riches money in exchange for sex. Riches said he needed a hair transplant, so he acquiesced to Iverson’s demands and thereby became Iverson’s “white juicy fruit.”
Riches is relentless, too. We got our hands on another lawsuit, filed just last week in Nevada district court, in which several famous prisoners (including alleged Aurora shooter James Holmes, convicted Oklahoma City bombing accomplice Terry Nichols, and convicted 1993 World Trade Center bomber Ramzi Yousef) express their undying support for Floyd Mayweather Jr. in the boxer’s legal battle against a random New Orleans bar. The lawsuit appears to be Riches’ handiwork, judging by the handwriting and the inclusion of the intervenor “Jonathan Rich,” although we can’t say for certain.
The lawsuit describes Holmes, Nichols, and Yousef as Mayweather’s “biggest fans,” and even though we hope that’s true, the lawsuit itself is as bogus as they get.
But why would Riches do this? In a 2013 interview, he told Details magazine that filing absurd lawsuits is his art and he’s not going to stop any time soon: “I’m going to continue to file suits … and make fun of the judicial system … It’s tagging. It’s spray-painting. I’m on these dockets forever.”
“It’s my own twisted entertainment,” he said. “Because I have a right. And no one can stop me.”
And even though judges and legal experts around the country believe Riches’ hobby has become an enormous distraction (not to mention a drain of resources) for the court systems, it seems he’s right.
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